Attention Grammar Police!

If you should find offenses to the English language in any of my articles please leave a comment and let me know so that I can obliterate it forever! Thanks!

Friday, May 29, 2015

The Water Cycle

Friday, May 22, 2015

Hamlet Act One, Scene One, Page One - Memorised!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Paragraph 1 Memorised

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Dear Internet - Part Three

Dear Internet

Today was my last day of work and as much as I would like to be a smart Alec about it I Daresay I shall miss this place. 

Peradventure in the future time I will suffer a measure of withdrawal as I look back upon my 8 years in the "booth". Thanks to the more than 15000 hours I have spent in darkness, forgoing my required daily intake of Vitamin D while people made out, ate popcorn and escaped to Hollywood fantasy land, my head is fractured with myriad images of the many hundreds of movies I have been exposed too. My brain is now a network of camera angles, CGI and bad prequels. 

If it weren't for my time here I wouldn't be the man I am today; I would be the man I could have been today instead. Something to think about. 

Most of all I will miss the thousands of feet of 35 mm film that has passed through my hands, which I have spliced and threaded into the ancient machines whose demise led to my timely redundancy. Those very same projectors that played the Lion King, Forest Gump and Under Siege 2 to me as a teenager. Strange how my connection to this cinema goes back almost 17 years, it's one of the few friends I have left from the 90's and now I'm saying goodbye... 

This room is haunted by the many souls who have worked here before me (not really, most of those souls still inhabit the bodies of the living), and now, digital contraptions, that only need a human touch on the odd occasion, will leave those souls bored to tears. 

I shall leave you all with a photo of my trade, my obsolete skill set, my old mechanical and clinky friend whose destiny is to be melted down into something more modern but far less admirable. Goodbye you old pile of junk - most of my friends who have seen a movie here have no idea the impact you had on their dreams....

Dear Internet - Part Two

Dear Internet,

No offense to my friends who like this sort of thing but... Please "Like" and/share if you feel that you may have suffered from brain damage to some degree from the amount of times your kids have blared out Frozen's "Let it Go" at the top of their lungs.

I don't know about you but that song is like the first time I ate a pickled onion, it was a great sensation going in but not as appetizing coming out again.

 If enough people agree with me we might be able to take a class action against Disney for creating a threat worse than Global Warming and one that all scientists can agree on - that the song really sucks.

Seriously I would rather put honey in my ears and lie beside an ant nest on a hot day before forcing them to endure a song that was clearly written by aural masochists!

They should have let me write the song, it would have gone something like this:

The song glows white on
My haunted ears tonight
Not an earplug to be seen.
A hateful oscillation
Coming from that Disney Queen
Her throat is howling like my swirling
Spew inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them sing,
don't let it be
Be a good girl and throw out that DVD
Conceal, don't feel
I'm about to lose my meal
And my chunks will blow

Let it go, let it go
Can't stand that song anymore!

Let it go, let it go
I'm going to jam my head in a door!
I don't care
But I've got to say
That if you sing that song
I'm gonna have to throw your barbies away!

It's funny how some distance
Makes it more tolerable
But my ears don't stop their bleeding
Till I can't hear it at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To get that song away from you
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
Sing it and you're history!

Let it go, let it go
Or I'll stick this fork into your eye
Let it go, let it go
You're making me ears want to cry
Here I stand
Now watch me run away
O if you sing that song
I'm gonna go give all your toys away!

My saneness flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going to like this song no matter how much you ask

Let it go, let it go
Or your pillow pet's gonna die
Let it go, let it go
See your my little ponies fry!
Here I stand
In the light of day
Oh if you sing that song
You won't see me again until next May!